I lost track...

I don't know what day it is anymore and I don't suppose that part matters. What matters is I am 5 days out from my "mini" marathon as they so delightfully call it. Personally I would think anything "mini" would be about 10 % of something so a 5k... 13.1 miles does not scream "mini" at me.

At any rate... as usual I am not fully prepared for this thing. I am as good as it is going to get but I think I have forgotten everything I need to know about completing a half. What am I supposed to eat this week? Is carb loading a real thing or is that just a scale loader? I don't drink water like ever, should I be downing it this week? Do I eat before the half or drink coffee? (definitely drink coffee) Wait training this week.. what the hell do I do? I don't want to be sore in anyway starting out because hello I once again didn't really train for this thing so I am going to be plenty sore! What does one wear to run in 45 to 60 degree temps? Layers? Screw the layers and just go with the tank? Wait I don't OWN A TANK... oh my gawd!!!! Oh and the elevation is that a lot? Is that none? That last up look scary but that first down... holy shit. Is Louisville hilly? I don't know never been there! I have been running to music, but my music in my bra, yes my boobs sing to me, someone else is providing the tunes what if I can't hear them? What if it doesn't drown out the ouchies.

I am in panic mode. The why the hell did I decide to do this feeling has set in that is only trumped by WHY THE FUCK DON'T I EVER TRAIN RIGHT!!!!!

Please send Vodka.. oh wait I am not drinking all the time anymore.. send a Xanax!!!!

Panicking,
Re Run

Day 9 thru 14

I have no words... I am still going.. slowly .. randomly.
I am struggling.
I miss her.
I miss me.

Day 7 and 8

How appropriate .. eight on the 8th day. Not sure there are other people who hurry up and train this fast but there is me.. you know the odd ball.

Monday and Tuesday were no run days, granted I could have run Monday but due to a change in the work schedule I am glad I didn't.  I did go to training both days and barely survived. Ok I am kidding I am pretty much used to the pain that causes but there is still that part of me that is constantly like WhyTF does this have to hurt ALL THE TIME. Like am I ever going to get strong enough that a power clean is a power easy?? Will I ever not cringe when someone says crunchy frog... well probably not ...hello frogs. Ew. Either way I put the time in lifted a few weights and burnt a few calories.

This morning... long run. (I say run because it sounds more better than Run/Walk or Walk Run or slow ass movement going forward) I had to put in 8 miles this coming weekend to ensure that I could in fact finish a half marathon in 17 days from today and my work schedule was not cooperating at all! I didn't see doing 8 miles then working a double, or even a brunch... INSANE! So I decided to go today, no rain, not freezing and I don't work tonight. So at 4 am I left my warm bed and headed out to the golf course... I don't even LIKE GOLF! Granted I started at Bad Bean and I like Bad Bean! Off I went into the darkness trot trot trot... all the way to the end.. and back.. and all the way to the end.. and back.. oh screw this I am not doing the same track AGAIN! Took a little detour to the Kitty Hawk Rd light and back and whhaaalaaa! Eight very slow ass miles were complete!

I did fine on the run but as soon as I got in the truck my left foot cramped up like you would not even believe. I know it is a "What the Hell are you doing Cramp" so after coffee I rushed home to ice roll it and threw the brace on. It is already MUCH better. So I call today a win. It is very hard not to get discouraged by the time it is taking me to complete a mile, but I keep telling myself this is not about time! It is about a trip of a lifetime with my best friends! I can work on my time when I get home.

So some good news for today... I have 9 days before I have to do another long run!!!! 10 miles up next.. WOOHOO.

Some lessons learned today:

• It is F'ING dark on Johnson Lane at 4:30 am
• Use your flashlight or you will trip (I saved myself before hitting the ground but it was an ugly flail. 
• You will run into friends on the path when you least expect it. 
• You can and will completely run a different path than everyone else if you don't pay attention (worked out in my favor.. I don't need to run on concrete)
• I still get VERY VERY COLD after running even though I was not cold while doing it and was dressed correctly (like 2 hours later.. still shivering)
• I need to put non running shoes in the car
• You can put a blankie in the car for Banx to snuggle on while you are gone but he won't lay on it. 
• Coffee is still the best part of running. 

Go in Peace and Love
Re Run

8/20/225

Day 4,5,6

So first off I don't update well over weekends. I just don't want to sit in front of a computer screen after doing so all week so chances are it will be rare that it happens. That is good news for some of you .. less jibberish to read. :)

Anyhoo... after Friday's triumph I moved on to bigger, better and funner things. First up was a lovely trip with the sister and good friends to the yarn shop Friday evening. Saturday was work followed by a stop at Wicked Parrot Tattoo for a plan on the 20th then a much needed visit with T and Margo, my word have I missed them! Relaxing Saturday evening and Sunday morning knitting on one of the new projects. (it is almost done now)

And now to the point you have all been waiting on.. where was the exercise in the weekend. Well it was delayed by wind and rain. I am sorry I have absolutely 0 desire to run in the rain. None, nadda.. I mean I WILL if it is a race I have signed up for but not so much if it is just a random Sunday. So around noon yesterday I set up with my friend Jamie for a 6 miler. Yes you read that right.. 6 miles. I have not gone that far in an upright foot powered position since last June. Almost a year! I had my doubts. I was worried, not going to lie about that, but I didn't set up a contingency plan so I felt like I had to give it all I had. It was very very slow but I did it! I am not in a place to worry about my time as it is a slow slow slow walk and a slow slow trot but the mileage was there and I was still upright at the end, as in I feel like I could have gone even further! Yes it felt that ok.  While in no way did I look like the woman from the header photo yesterday my heart felt that way and to me that is a HUGE accomplishment.

I did some post running pain preventatives after getting home, nice long soak in the Jacuzzi tub and then wore my brace and quite frankly I could have gotten up this morning and run again! Like almost ZERO pain. I think due to the pain I forgot what it felt like to be out there because I have hurt for so long, that it really feels great to have the sun on your face and seeing the ocean over your shoulder. Yesterday was such a confidence booster, there is no doubt in my mind that I can complete the half now. It will be super slow but sometimes it is not how fast you get to your destination but enjoying the journey on the way and that is exactly what I plan to do!

Thank you again Jamie for being a part of yesterday it was great to not be alone!

Go in Peace and Love

Re Run

6/12/225

Day three

Really quick in a hurry today. Mainly because it has been a day.. lots of tears. Those days just ugh.
Anyhoo.. It is day three. I didn't get up at o dark thirty because
1. I am lazy
2. I like sleeps
3. My shins were bothering me so I chose to walk instead of lift and walk

But I went at 1130 today and put in my miles, after crying a river of tears this morning. So to me that was a win in of itself. So here I am I start out and damn it.. it hurts. My feet they are bothering me, but I kept on... and on and on....

After I few wrong turns and a hike through a construction zone I end up where I am supposed to be and still in pain, but I glance down and there is a battered penny right there in my path. Do you know how many others had to have passed that penny for it to be so worn and no one saw it, but there it was there today... beaten and scarred like my broken heart. So I picked it up.

I have to back track a tiny bit, this morning over and over I listened to a song, a sad one but one line kept coming across louder and louder... "Go in peace and love..." All morning I have debated and fought with myself if Deanna knew I loved her, if she forgave me, if life was enough for her... and here she was all morning saying.. Mommy... Stop... go in peace and love. Well a few steps after picking up that penny I heard it again.. Go in peace and love... mommy run.

So I did. I knew I had made a promise that I wouldn't but I had to and the most amazing thing happened. I ran and it felt so much better than walking! It was slow but it felt good! I know that it is hard for some to believe that these things happen and that I hear these things and yes they probably are all in my head but they speak directly to my heart and if that gets me through today.. tomorrow and the next day then by God that is exactly what I am going to do.

So for today I am going to go in peace and love...

Day three in the books.

Peace, Love and Miles
Re

3/6/226

Day Two

Frankly I thought I would get up this morning in pain, like feet pain. I didn't feel anything worse than normal so I chalked that up to a win! What I am noticing today is little twinges in my shins, never a good sign when you are going to up your mileage quick fast and in a hurry. My plan was every other day 3 to 4 miles on the last week up to 5 hopefully with long walks on the weekends, a 6 this week, 8 next week, and a 10 the week before the race. I figure I will stick to what someone told me when I was training for my first half... if you get through the 10 you won't give up on the last 3. Oddly I have used that on ever half I have done since, I never thought I had it until the last 3. (My marathon.. I didn't think I had that until the last half a mile!!!)

So what does day 2 look like around here? Not much really. Chances are I will be working tonight but if not I may go to Zumba just to throw in some cardio but my next walk will be tomorrow. So why am I posting? Well because this journey is not just about the miles. Those are the easy parts, even if they are painful. The rest of the journey is in the kitchen and the bar. I mention bar because I happen to have a very strong relationship with wine and vodka and quite frankly have no desire to break up with either, even though we have decided to take some time apart.

I know some of you know I have a very jacked up relationship with food. It's my friend. I happen to use it as a crutch, a reward, a consoler, a confidant, you name it I go to food. Tummy ache? Must be hungry. Sad? Sushi will fix that! Pissed off? Pizza for the win! See the pattern here? Well when you mix that way of thinking with situational depression with a side order of ptsd and a dash of bipolar disorder, you have a recipe for a fat disaster. Which is the boat I am in now. So what do you do when you use food as a safety net. I wish I knew the answer because it is a struggle. Some of the things you do are as follows:

• Contemplate weight loss surgery
• Vow to do better.. fail
• Contemplate being fat forever
• Vow to do better .. fail
• Contemplate weight loss surgery
• Eat one meal a day
• Eat 23 meals a day
• Contemplate being fat forever

So do you get the point? No answers have thus far been what I need. I am sure the solution is out there ... ok the solution actually has a name.. Jackwagon.  But the problem has a name too... Complicated Grief that kicks you in the gut and tells you that you aren't worth fighting for.

So day two what am I doing to get to my half goal in 23 days? Trying to stick to the plan in spite of a scale that hates me and getting up at the ass crack of dawn to put in 4 miles even though I work tonight (I thought that would happen).. That my friends is my day 2.

See below... leave a note let me know you were here. Support is the key to any journey!

Peace, Love, and Miles
Re

3/3/228

Today is...

The beautiful thing about life is no matter how far are you fall, there is always the chance to get back up. For a few years now I have been one of the fallen and no matter how hard I tried I just could not seem to get my feet back on the ground in a manner that sustained me. Everything has always been wobbly. I wish I could say that this was only in a physical aspect but with most things in my life it encompassed all. My emotional, mental, and physical being has been taxed for years.

It is so incredibly easy to say every night that tomorrow will be the day that I will climb out of this hole and try again, but when day light comes, the blanket of sadness, grief and your pillow of failure keep you captive in a bed you wish you had never made. That is right.. I made this bed, yes the circumstances happened that started this downward spiral through no fault of my own but the reaction to the tragedy was all mine. So here I am 5 years later, fat, tired, old, and wondering if this is even possible (you thought this was going to be some kind of WHOOHOO I got this post didn't you).

Let's just throw it all out there from the start, sometime in the past month or so I agreed to do a Spartan with my kid in the fall, no scratch that.. I agreed to do THREE Spartans. Not so bad right.. I have until the fall. Yup all good, until my heart got the better of me and I decided that doing a half marathon at the end of this month was a great idea. That is right... 25 days before a half marathon I decided HEY LET'S DO THIS!! Keep in mind I have not walked a mile straight other than work in probably 6 months. It was one of those things that I felt was once in a lifetime, a trip with 3 of my favorite people in the world to a place I have never been ... how I can I say no to that right? Not to mention it gives me a light at the end of April's dark ass tunnel. So on Monday I made a plan and this morning at 5:30 am I struck out on my first 3 mile training walk, yes you read that right walk. You see I can't even run right now, like at all. Not until I lose 30 lbs... which by the way is not easy. (more on that tomorrow)

So here I was back on Day 1 starting over .. again .. and what can I say about day one.. it sucked. It was slow and honestly painful (not my feet so much just the rest of me) and I am still sitting here wondering if my idea of doing this was a good one or am I simply going to be the hindrance that my friends are waiting on in the beer tent... wait they will be in the beer tent. They can wait. They will be fine. I need to get out of my head, unfortunately in your head is about the only place one is when they are out there alone in the dark. Either way Day One is over.. I didn't exactly make her my bitch but at least I made her sit up and take notice. Next up... Day Two.

Peace Love, and Miles
Re Run

3 M 229